From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett Crapshoot, wrote a column about rolling the dice to bring random, mysterious games back to light. This week, you might think any port is in a storm, but there’s only one port to choose from – a rotten, maggot-infested port that’s finding whole new dimensions to suck.
Forget the Dark Souls port for PC. Darksiders 2 Missing some options? BVFT. Sure, at first glance, this kind of thing might score high on the OL betrayal chart, but for me? No, because I played The Legend of Jack Sparrow, one of the most half-conceited ports in the history of mainstream franchises.
Yes, it really is that bad. Sit back and let’s see how an extraordinary concept adventure that really put “Yaaarh!” To “Yaaarh, I just stabbed balls with a fork!”
Now, I loved the original Pirates of the Caribbean, and while sequels fell and caught the ball more often than the rookie juggler, even their worst moments weren’t enough to dampen the original greatness. Little action on the high seas. Adventure. Funny dialogue. Fantasy adventures. The genius coup of the concept – a pirate ship trying return stolen treasure And of course, Jack Sparrow, who admitted it was a complete cartoon after many sequels, parodies, spin-offs and this God awful Fourth movie. When he debuted, he was a breath of fresh air, a rogue guide who stole the show from its first scene to the moment it cruised to the credits at the end.
As a concept, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Jack Sparrow is a perfect game playing field. It’s not just “Let’s make a game about Jack Sparrow”, but a game in which Jack is the narrator of his tall tales. How do I fire an entire port without facing a single shot? Did he really defeat a viking ghost beast buried forever in the ice? Did not matter. Jack should be able to tell this with a straight face and let the stunned flick of two fingers actually disingenuously. I wasn’t expecting the best game ever out of this, but I was really looking forward to playing it.
Unfortunately, I never got out of the proper first stage. why? Well, it started here:
Yes, it is only the main menu. Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to tell me which button to press to select the current option. Assume you don’t have a console attached, since this was 2006 and it wasn’t common to have a console back then. The keyboard is just here, and I’ll give you an idea – it’s not CTRL. or enter. Come on. I wouldn’t waste your time if it were that easy.
I got you? Is this key tightly locked in your mind? No changes!
If you say “space bar”… you are wrong.
If you say “e”…try gently, but don’t. Again, wrong.
ready? Make sure you are seated.
it’s a NumPad 2.
I’m serious. More than that, so are they. No other switch does anything. It should be a Num Pad 2. How do you know it’s a Num Pad 2? Well, that’s the best thing! You have to press it to go to the options menu and see key bindings in the first place – at least in the game. I still don’t have my guide, but I don’t remember it helping. When playing the game, all you get are meaningless symbols like a sword or pointed hand rather than actual buttons, and they are certainly not properly explained outside of them.
Did I mention that later, there are QTEs? Am I even You have to?
You’re probably thinking “But that’s fine, at least you can check them out in the game.” No! Only the options screen that you can access from the main menu offers any basic information. In the game, you can only change the volume, vibration and translation. And the little one that really takes the shit in chocolate ice cream and gives you a spoonful? One of the commands – Run-Kick – is not even configured. Even if it’s comprehensively useless, the gap stares off the screen like a sucking abyss… ah… oh, what word am I thinking? Describes things that are not good at all. you know.
We haven’t started the game yet. This is the options screen! How does the game fail miserably and just like that Options Screen that the only reason not to take it out of the drive and use it as a flying saucer is that the pure concentrated suction force might combine with an abandoned copy of 50 Shades of Gray to generate a terrifying black hole? who am I still I recommend more than actually playing it!
If you do take the risk though, things will only get worse. The first instructions in the game are to press Start, and give the Legend of Jack Sparrow a file smaller Drips in fairness, it’s not the only game that stumbles on that. Unfortunately, this digital palm of the face follows him…
So, tap on the character switch button to switch the characters. Thanks game! It goes. “Press Light Attack for Light Attack” effectively adds after that. “Tap to use to use.” “Tap Block to block attacks!” But oh, it’s getting worse. It hits rock bottom when – using the keys – it tells you…
How am I supposed to do that?!
No. I must have misread it. Must be You have. Let me check again.
Second. worst. tutorial lesson. Start!
(Worst, of course, is Derek Smart’s Echo Squad recording, which was a linear recording that didn’t bother checking if you were keeping up, or even in the right part of the space to do what he’s asking, and at one point gave the thrilling “leave the controls and watch for a while.” about five minutes while the fighter performs an escort flight profile around the carrier.” But that’s another scream.)
Well, let’s try to break this down. mouse access? No, this doesn’t work, even if you use it for other things like selecting menu options. What kind of game do you think this is, anyway? No, what are you About Me What you have to do is find out which button corresponds to the hand, press it, and then cycle through the action buttons A, S and D with a wrist-cracking speed, because if you let go of your hand for a second, Jack does too. You are Could you Just hit A and D, but this ruling not only indicates that you are on the verge of failure, but you just get away with it because no one bothered to test this method.
Which of course I mean “suggest,” with big, bold speech marks for emphasis.
Still, at least funny, isn’t it? It’s full of charm and character, helping to undermine complete failure with a little self-deprecating wit and recourse to daring? After all, he has Johnny Depp himself voiced by Jack instead of just a voice, which is what Will and the other characters get.
No. In fact, this is the most disappointing/amazing thing about the game.
The Legend of Jack Sparrow managed to get a bored performance out of Johnny Depp.
I’m taking Reality Effort. Even if you don’t love him as an actor – and he definitely has his faults – he’s an actor who throws himself in roles regardless of whether it’s Jack Sparrow or Ed Wood. In this, he’s not so excited, you have to start wondering if he’s only here because the game producers locked him in a closet with a microphone and refused to let him out until he voiced his obscure equalizer.
It doesn’t help that writers don’t seem to know that when you’re writing scripts, as opposed to prose, you generally want to do things like “keep sentences to a minimum” and “remember that actors need to breathe”. The usual solution to this is…how to put this so that it doesn’t actually flash the obvious bleeding… Read your lines out loud before giving them to your representatives.
Honestly, can you blame him for sounding asleep in dialogue like “I’ve partnered, through no fault of my own, with young blacksmith Will Turner – who stands beside me so far, unjustly doomed like me” if I run these things through a file speech synthesizer He will stop halfway to call his agent.
As for the game, does it really need the description? Not right. For that, here’s a Level Two clip or something, which is as far as I got before I realized my time would be much better spent on more personally satisfying projects, like biting my toenails and sliding them into my enemies sandwiches, or macrame. To be exact, I made it to the end of this point and while the PS2 version only flashed the icons buttons on the console, all I was given were swords, shields with mysterious flesh and the like… which didn’t seem to work anyway. To make matters worse, at that time, and just now restarting, a fee glitch meant the door was Bloody wide open.
In short, when you get your hands on a port that seems rushed, tepid, or just plain awful, it’s perfectly fair to yell, get angry, and complain. If you can remember “Well, at least beat Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Jack Sparrow”, you probably wouldn’t be that bad.
Top tip: This also works for root canals, punching the face with a glove covered in nails dipped in lemon, and listening to drunk karaoke shows from Call Me perhaps. In fact, the only thing this game can’t get rid of the sting… is itself. Also bees. These bastards Harm.